Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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