you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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