what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
