just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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