I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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