i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize