My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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