I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
