My first STD was from a foam party
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
