mondays should just be called national damage control day
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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