I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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