someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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