the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
