Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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