Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So here I am, sexting at work.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
