called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
