He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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