how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
it was like eating out sand paper
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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