You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
