Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
