i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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