I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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