Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
