I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
