I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
