Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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