Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
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