Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The uberlube is also flammable
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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