I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
