i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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