so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
