Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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