I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
