Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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