My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
