watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
