Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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