Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
