Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
