it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize