**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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