I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
