this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
