I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
