why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize