last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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