There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
