I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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