You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize