I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
