When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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