So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
