I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
