she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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