Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
