well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
