happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize