My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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